:: KINABALU MOUNTAIN FROM MANUKAN ISLAND ::
Couple of weeks ago, i went to Manukan island alone...Some might say, "Ape yang ko buat kat sane sorang?, bawak la awek-awek ke, kawan-kawan ke...". Sory guys, sometimes i need my own space and my own time to do whatever i want. Aku ke sana just to reflect what i have done all this while...And why i didnt regret over my decisions all these years..It's a bit like muhasabah diri, just between me, Manukan island, Kinabalu mountain and my god (segala pujian bagi ALLAH, tuhan sekalian makhluk)...
When i was alone, gazing the sun goes down, watching the panoramic view of Kinabalu's from a far makes me wonder...do i really have serious regrets in my life? Do i did things that makes people hates me? Am i easily fell down for the temptations? And it brings me to the biggest 'what if' question in my life...What if i could turn back the time so people will give a very serious consideration about me...
I always feel alone eventhough i'm not alone...But sometimes, it is the best thing ever happen to me, coz' aku tak menyusahkan orang lain. I'm so afraid that i could be the burden of someone else, turns out we need somebody's help at each turn of our life. I want to help people around me, and not the other way around. In the same time, i want people to take me seriously. If i'm a Law undergraduates from UIA, will people will give me the attention i've always crave? Person who know that i've once offered a place in UIA matriculation for syaria's law may always questions my decision not to accept it, instead i stayed in KPM matriculation that turns out to disastrous by my own standards. Do i regret it? Never in a lifetime...
Then, i enrolled into UMS...Much farther then my family thought. My mum nearly used her 'inner connection' to get me into UiTM, but i refused. I said, "Ini lah masa nya nak buktikan yang aku bole hidup jauh dari family"...Then, my parents agreed. But, when i'm here, i never taste the opportunity to meet my family every week. I can't use my lovely Satria (which was sold last year to some teacher) often, I can't push my sisters forward when they were in major examinations, I can't have a good time with all my friends who study in any varisities in Klang Valley, news about what happen now and then reached me at very late stage, and most importantly, i can't met Ijoy my cousin who passed away last year (Al-fatihah to him)...But still, do i have any regret...None.
So, why in the name of god i came here, in Manukan island? What i need to reflect to? Is my life so dull, even i didnt give it the serious of the considerations? No, i realize that my life is so colorful...So colorful that not many have a life like me. I would never trade my life for someone elses. I'm happy coz' thing might be even worse if i'm a law student, studying in Peninsula or anything. I'm clumsy, no denying that fact...But i'm proud to say that by the time goes by, i'm wiser in my decision-making. Even if I stutter in my own words, or choking on my own spit, I'm glad that i'm not the ego-maniacal person i used to be...
The only thing that i regret in my life is falling in love with my ex-girlfriend elder sister. I'm not cut it to be hers, and never will be. She's very responsible, caring and loving person...But one thing i realize is that we could never be together...If we get together somehow in the future, what am i supposed to say when i meet her mum? What am i supposed to say when i see her sister, that happen to be my ex? What am i supposed to do? By the way, it is only a pipeline dream...She still have her boyfriend, whom she love so much eventhough that guy always make her 'makan hati'...And I always said,"Sabar la...dugaan je tu. Laki kan memang ego sket dalam bab-bab relationship ni.". And 'till now, i never ever tell her about my feelings, and i tend to keep it that way...Coz' loving somebody doesn't mean we must have that person. Putting a smile in her or his face for once is adequate already. Do i regret losing her? ermmm...It's hard to say.
:: LOVE IS A LOSING GAME ::
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